Somethings Are Lost, Others Are Merely Forgotten
by bexaday
Summary: Something isn't right with Shepard, and Miranda knows it, but she wants to find out so maybe then she can stop the conflict between them, but Shepard isn't the most willing paitent, infact she hates Miranda because of what she has done. But was it Miranda's fault? And will sparks fly between the two or will it be a fatal end? FemShepxMiri may change to M rated for later chapters.
1. Kickstarts

**Somethings Are Lost, Others Are Merely Forgotten**

**Chapter 1**

**Kickstart**

**A/N: So guys, I am here to take you on another Shep and Miri journey, but this one will obviously be different although it is written in first person. Thank you to you all for your continuous support and I hope you like this one, the next one shall be a Shep/Kasumi for all you who want one of these, don't worry the draft for that is written but doing three stories in one go is tiring, but I will keep going, **** - Bexaday**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect series**

Shepard's POV

I hate that woman! Why does she have to be such a bitch?! God no wonder she is called the Ice Queen!

I storm through the Observation Deck; I do not want to speak to anyone because right this moment I will blast them straight out the airlock, my boots thud against the flooring of the Deck, she just had to bring up Ashley. She knows that I lost her on Virmire and there is nothing I can do to bring her back, damn, me and Kaiden must have argued for days over it, I loved her and I gave her up, well, I think I did, I can barely remember, hell I can barely remember anything, my head throbs with pain and I grimace and I grab my head with my hand, these fucking headaches won't leave me alone! I just need to hit something! Anger pluses through me and I take deep breathes as I go into the elevator but I can hear the annoying clicking of Ms Lawson's heels and I groan as the stupid repetitive sound vibrates through my head, god, she is just making this headache worse! And to top it off she just doesn't know when to fuck off! Then she is infront of me and her cold dead eyes meet mine and her hands are on her hips

"Commander, running away from me shows me that you are afraid to face your problems" She says matter-of-factly, how fucking dare she?! She has no idea what I am going through right now! I blood died and I don't even get a chance to even attempt to wrap my head around it, and to top it off I do not remember a thing about anything before I saved Jokers' crippled ass. Hell, I cannot even remember what I did that was so great! I only know what people have told me! I didn't even remember my name, she had to bloody tell me and I am sick and tired of her telling me what to do! Anger swirls in my gut and adrenaline pulses through my body at the prospect of having a fight, I am in her personal space as fast as lightening, I am only slightly shorter than her but I don't let that put me off, she doesn't even recoil or back up her gaze meets mine, she doesn't think I am capable of completing this mission, or so I have been told, god, I feel so stupid, and I cannot afford to be stupid, I have to save the galaxy again, somehow. Hell she has become another problem on my oversized plate, but I get rid of this one, and to hell if I am letting her know about whatever this is, she will just be on my back even more

"Ms Lawson, I am the Commander and you and I have more important things to be doing than quizzing me on topics that are longs since dead, so I suggest you drop it, Operative" I say in a clipped tone and I can see the fury in her eyes, even if her body stays relaxed

_Pulling rank? Jeesh that so lame, You know so much better than that_

_I don't give a rats' ass what you think. _

"Commander, you are my project, and contrary to belief, I want to make sure you are okay," Ms Lawson says and her hand goes to my arm, and anger prickles within me "But I need to ask you about these things, to check your memory" I rip my arm from her grip and I can feel my arm stinging from where her nails caught my skin and a pulse of lust goes to my groin, what the fuck? I hate her, she did this to me, she doesn't even treat me like a human being, I am just another one of Cerberus' projects, but I look into her eyes and they are soft and warm, and all anger is gone from them, it is like she is trying to act like she cares about anyone who isn't herself or Cerberus, but I see through her, her petty tricks won't work on me

"I am a human being! So start treating me like one Ms Lawson otherwise you have yourself a one way ticket through the airlock, are we clear" I say smoothly in a low voice and I can see her tense and I walk into the elevator and I hit the button to my quarters and I turn around and Ms Lawson is looking at me with a blank expression, it is almost as if she is dead inside

"Of course Commander, but I do deserve some respect, I am only trying to help you as your XO" I go to reply when she walks off and she swipes a datapad from the side and the elevator doors close and its humming grates on my hearing as my head pounds more and more, it is like it has its own fucking heartbeat, I groan and I lean my head against the cool metal of the Normandy, apparently she is nothing like the old Normandy, this one has a AI and it is too silent, I remember that, the other Normandy was always buzzing with idle chatter or the ships core vibrating its song throughout the entire ship, I smile as I remember that, the pounding only gets worse as I think about it, I let out a moan and I clutch my head and the doors let out a pinging sound that makes me wince as I stumble into my room and I turn off the lights as I walk in, bloody Miranda and her stupid petty questions, she just won't leave me alone! I stumble to my bed and I throw myself upon it, and I close my eyes and a tear trickles out the corner of my eye, Ashley, oh god I never meant for us to end that way, I never wanted that for us,

For you I wanted to keep living.

Miranda's POV

I cannot believe the Commander has turned out to be a totally… arsehole to be honest, she is rude and so defensive, she knows I need to take this tests but she is making my job hard and the Illusive Man isn't one to wait for results. I sigh as I pick up the datapad from the side and storm away from the Commander who is in the elevator; I think if she said another thing I don't think I would have been able to stop myself from shouting back, ugh, she even pulled rank on me. On ME. I walk through the Mess Hall straight into my office, away from the eyes of crew members who had watched our little _spat._

"EDI can you tell me what the Commander is doing?" I say as I read through what I have written about her,

_The Commander seems to be aggressive and unwilling to receive help from anyone around her, he constant hostility to everything is causing a great unease with the crew… I am worried about her, and I cannot even get close to her, it seems all reports that she was appeared in were wrong, she seems to hate Cerberus more than ever and she is not kind or funny as rumoured, maybe this is an effect of her death?_

"The Commander is currently asleep in her quarters" I sigh, at least she isn't doing anything stupid

"Thank you EDI"

"Logging you out Ms Lawson"

That's hardly anything for the Illusive Man to read, infact he would be displeased more than anything, then again maybe he could shed some light on what is going wrong with Shepard. I let out a frustrated sigh, I didn't think she would be so hard to get along with, I have never met anyone like her, I stand up and I look out my window at the stars, what have I missed, surely there is nothing, I made sure I investigated everything about her, I even talked to Liara about it when I went to get her body and yet even then she told me she was the one of the best people she had ever met. I frown and I rub my forehead with my fingertips.

What the hell is wrong with her then? What isn't she telling me?

**A/N: So there it is! The first chapter of this new story, thank you for reading and please review! **** - Bexaday**


	2. I Cannot Do This Anymore

**Chapter 2**

**I Cannot Do This Anymore**

**A/N: So thanks to all that have read this, I know that this is a really late chapter, but I have been suffering from headaches so I haven't been able to get on my computer but for now, my headaches are gone so I am going to take full advantage of it ****.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mass Effect series**

Shepard's POV

I groan, ugh, I am seriously not ready to wake up; I don't want to wake up, why can't Ms Lawson do my job? She seems to want to take charge anyway, plus I have too many questions that need answering about what Cerberus did to me, because either, they really fucked up or my recovery hasn't gone to plan, aka, another fuck up. I turn over and I sigh, there are so many thoughts going around in my head and I cannot get them to shut up! I roll back over, I am so alone here, there is no one to talk to, no one who I trust from my old crew, hell I barely remember Garrus let alone the rest of my crew. My head twinges and I wince and I groan, I cannot go without one day without a headache, I try to open my eyes, ow, everything is blurry and light just hurts, I need to tell Chakwas or someone, this isn't right, it cannot be, Cerberus has fucked me over yet again, this time it is worse than before, I need to speak to someone, hell, I need to speak to Liara, wait Liara? I remember now! A flash of blue skin goes through my mind, she I always used to talk to her when I was worried or suffering, then pain throbs through my head. Fucking hell, I curl up under the covers, and I take in deep breaths, I have to focus on something else, something that isn't pain. I try to take deeper breaths but it isn't changing no matter how much I try to think of something else, oh my god this pain is so intense and then suddenly it lessens, man I didn't realise how tense I was as I relax and my aching muscles slowly start to uncramp from the sudden tension. My throat feels dry and scratchy and I am surprised it is able to work,

"EDI can you connect me to Liara T'Soni?" I manage to say and I sit up and take the glass of water from the side and I take a massive gulp and its cool water goes down my throat as I look over to the blue orb in the corner

"Commander, with the location of Dr T'Soni unknown we are unable to contact her" fury goes through me and it overtakes the pain and I stand up and paced the room, can they not see that this is… loneliness, and I never know whether to be angry or sad, but I cannot let my crew know about this, no, that would be unprofessional, according to Ms Lawson anyway, I snort. She acts all high and mighty and she judges everyone with that same coldness and hatred, god she makes me sick, all Cerberus agents act as if their causes justify the means, but they don't. Hell no they don't! I snarl as the pain becomes vice-like in my head and I groan and I stop pacing as the room begins to spin, I close my eyes to ease the nausea but it doesn't I place my hand out onto the side table and I try to top my gag reflex as I stumble and I try to work my tongue and stop my eyes from rolling in my head but I can't the pain gets worse and I place one hand to my head, I have to block out the pain but I can't it just keeps drilling into my skull, I keep seeing flashing images before my eyes, a Quarian and a young one at that, small and easily flustered, I see a flash of soft blue and my head just rattles and shakes with pain when I trip on something as I try to make my way towards my bed and the pain gets so bad when my head hits something sharp and I yelp but then everything just fades.

Miranda's POV

"The Commander's brain signals indicate she is starting to have a seizure, I am alerting Dr Chakwas now" Oh my God, this cannot be happening, not now, I fling back the covers and thank the Lord I slept in my clothes I run out of my office as urgency builds in my gut, I have to save her, if not for this mission, than for the fact the Illusive Man

_What about you, do you not want her to live for you too?_

_I don't feel for her like that, I don't_

_Are you sure? Because your earlier actions suggest differently_

_Don't lecture me_

I shake my head, she is always trying to confuse the issues, I grab the medical files on Shepard and I practically bump into Chakwas, her blue eyes meet mine and they fill me with even more worry, and my gut clenches, this cannot be happening, I made sure there was nothing that would go wrong. I nod at Chakwas as she carries a bag full of presumably medical supplies. It cannot be that bad, can it? I clench my jaw as my gut twists, she nods at me and we practically run into the elevator and I slam the button for Shepard's room and I can feel the shift in gravity as we begin to go up.

"EDI check Shepard's status again" I snap as I pace the insides of the small elevator, can this thing not go any faster?! Agitation builds in my gut and then EDI synthesised voice says

"The Commander is beginning the seizer, I would suggest you get there soon as any longer and permanent brain damage will begin in 5 minutes" Panic blazes through me but I keep my mask on, it is for the best if the otherwise don't know how I feel, it means I don't have to deal with people such as Kelly and that made her day a lot more simpler.

_But maybe this is why you and the Commander don't see eye to eye?_

_It can't be, she is more closed up than I am_

_But something is wrong with her, you know it._

_But I cannot do anything until she opens up to me!_

_Maybe if you actually tried to make friends for once-_

I snarl as I curl my left hand into a fist around the files whilst the other flies up to my hair,

"There didn't seem to be anything wrong with the Commander when I did her physical" Chakwas says and I look back at her, and in her eyes I see motherly concern and a pang of jealously goes through me, what the hell? I don't understand. I don't think of her like that, it is just scientific interest, it has to be and if it is more I won't let it become anything else.

"I didn't see anything in her files when we were reconstructing her, I must have over looked something or done something wrong or-"a hand on my arm stops me ranting and my gut twists even more as I turn around and I look down at the hand on my arm before looking into the Doctors eyes and I see a warmth that I have never experienced and I shift uncomfortably, I don't like having people this close to me , I don't allow them to get this close, otherwise it becomes personal.

"Ms Lawson, you were the best person for the job, whatever went wrong isn't your fault, it normally Aimee's, the women is a walking time bomb for injuries, I should know I have dealt with most of them" Doctor Chakwas smiles and I relax slightly, She may be right but I cannot take the risk, my gut clenches even more making it painful. Then the door pings and the door opens and I throw myself out of the elevator and I can hear Chakwas running behind me and I try to still my hands as I use the override code, I don't want to see her hurt, oh god, please don't let her be dead, I don't know what I will do if she dies, the door opens and she is right infront of us and she is still fitting, I rush to her as her head si thrashing from side to side and her eyes are rolling around and they almost seem grey in this light and her mouth is foaming at the sides as her arms and legs flail around her. Oh no, please no, what is happening,

"Commander? Commander! Can you hear me?" I say as I kneel down next to her as I try to grab her arms and stop them thrashing about, I grab one and but I hadn't realised how strong she was until now, bloody hell, Chakwas goes round her and she looks at Shepard's clock on the counter

"EDI how long has this been happening for?" Chakwas says as she tries to grab onto Shepard's leg but Shepard is so strong, I am still fighting with Shepard's arm,

"2 minutes and 21 seconds, in exactly 2 minutes the Commander will risk the chance of serious brain damage" I look up at Chakwas and her eyes meet mine, we need to do something and quick, but what can we do?! We have no idea what caused this! God, why couldn't I have paid more attention to her files?! Damn it! My father told me I had to be the best, and this time I was a let down to my expectations and on this mission there can be no room for error. My eyes blur as I watch her, her face is twisted into pain and there is nothing I can do, when a slight moan comes from her mouth

"Aimee? Can you hear me?!" Chakwas says as she holds her foot down and I manage to pin her arm, by her side, one arm was hard, but two? I have to try, I would do anything to save her, with renewed strength I lean across and grab her other arm when from the corner of my eye I see Chakwas fly back and I turn to face her as I jerk back as her fist comes towards me, I turn to look fully at Chakwas and she is cupping her nose as blood flows from it, I have to stop her from moving, I let go of her fist

"We have to stop her from moving now, I think it will be more time efficient if you restrain her, your stronger and taller so it should be easy for you to lie on top of her this way you can hold down all of her limbs and I can inject a sedative" I nod and gulp, I cannot believe I am doing this, I don't want to touch her, infact I cannot think of anything worse than body contact with another person,

_But she is the Commander and she needs your help_

_But I don't know what it will do, I have rules and I always stick to the rules_

_Even if your Commanders life is at risk?_

I take a deep breath and I manage to close enough to her without her hitting me as I stomp on the nervous feelings inside of me, I am being stupid, it means nothing, and I know that so what is wrong with me? With that I flip myself on top of her and I put all of my weight on her and she lets out another groan, and then a blush coats my cheek, what the hell is going on with me? She is seriously injured and I am taking advantage of someone who is seriously ill, I bite my lip.

"We have little over a minute Ms Lawson" Chakwas says and my head begins to spin, I can feel every part of her straining underneath me and lock my legs around hers and she bucks underneath me as she tries to free them and heat goes to my core, damn it! This cannot be happening! Not now,

"Commander, can you hear me?" I whisper into her ear and my hands interlock with hers and I pin her down, and she can barely buck underneath me now, please she has to respond, I cannot lose her, the Illusive Man would be unhappy to say the least,

_Do you really believe that? You that the Illusive Man is using you so you don't really care about him, so it must be for yourself_

_No! It isn't! I don't believe it nor will I accept that_

I tighten my grip on her hands and a small sweat begins to from on my brow, she is so god damn strong! My muscles are screaming in pain as I hold her down, I lean back and I lean my forehead on her clammy one.

"Shepard, you need to come back to us, the crew need you, I need you" I whisper, why the hell did I just say that?! I mentally slap myself; I should have more control than that! Shepard stills underneath me and then I see Chakwas moving beside me and she lines the needle up on her Main Artery in her neck,

"30 seconds till permanent damage to frontal lobe"

"Damn it EDI, will you shut up?" I murmur and I look to Chakwas and she has already taken care of her bloodied nose and now she is focused on Shepard, I nod at her this has to go right otherwise, I have no idea what we will do without her, of course, I could lead but I don't have the same status as her with the crew, I raise my left thigh as high as possible and I force my left hand and Shepard's down and I clamp my thigh over her hand , I wouldn't dare use my biotics incase it did more damage than good and I want to make sure that all goes well, we cannot fuck this up, Shepard's life is at risk, I hold her head with my hand and tilt it as she continues to fight against me,

"Now Doctor! I cannot hold her for much longer!" I say as a bead of sweat trickle down my neck as I feel her straining more and more underneath me, and my body is shaking with exhaustion, damn it why is she so strong? Then the needle sinks into her neck and the doctor empties the syringe and Shepard freezes and I lean back and her eyes meet mine before they roll back into her head and she relaxes, I take a deep breath and I force my screaming muscles to roll off her, I pant lightly and I look at her and her face is so relaxed now and all signs of the seizure are gone, relief floods me, thank the gods, I have no idea what I would have done if she had died under my watch. I smile and I sit up and I brush my wipe of sweat and I run my hand through my hair and I look at Chakwas who is smiling,

"Thank you Ms Lawson, I have no idea what I would have done without you" I wave her off as I don't even trust my voice and my mouth curves into a smile, and I cannot stop it, I feel so happy, so light and relieved. I stand on shaky legs and I look down at her

"We should put her on the bed, she needs to be relaxed" I say and Chakwas nods as bend down and pick her up, I grab her arms whilst Chakwas grabs her legs. My muscles strain against her weight as we stumble around as we go towards the bed and my arms are burning under her weight and we lower her down and she mumbles and shifts and her cheeks have a soft blush to them and I smile as she curls up. I turn to Chakwas and she is sat down on Shepard's couch, and is looking through the folders I brought with me, even though there was little to no time to read them. I go over to the little instant tea machine that Shepard had forced me to install in her room and I begin to make myself and Doctor Chakwas a cup of tea,

"You know. I have never seen Aimee like that before today, and she needed you, even though I know you two don't see eye to eye, she needed you" Chakwas says as I begin to make my way back over to the table and I sit down on the otherside of the sofa, a pang of jealously goes through me, how come so can call her by her first name and I am stuck with Commander, they have been through so much together, I guess she is like a mother to Shepard.

_It's because you're always arguing with her_

_But maybe I want to get to know her better_

"I only did what any member of the crew would have done in my position" I say coolly and Chakwas stares at me, why does she have to do that? God, she is making me feel so uncomfortable but I won't show it,

"Yes that is true, but it was you and your generally not known for your kindness towards other crewmembers" Chakwas says, and it is true, but with the Commander, I just feel like I have a duty to protect her but I don't understand why. The only other person I feel this way about is Orianna and she is my sister, I sigh and I take a sip of my tea,

"I am just worried about what caused the seizure" I pause and I look over at her and then back into Chakwas calm blue eyes, "I don't know what it is, I must have read all the reports on her, analysed all the brain scans dozens of times, but I must have overlooked something or done something wrong-" I rant

"You have done nothing wrong Miranda, if you have not noticed her personality is nothing like it used to be, whether this is her dealing with her death or not knowing how to act around you," what the hell could she mean by that? I don't try to aggravate her "But that isn't like Aimee, she is always calm and hardly ever gets angry, even when the Council grounded us she wasn't that angry. Infact she is always a good laugh, but something is different now" Chakwas muses and I feel my stomach sink. I did everything to make sure everything went smoothly, perfectly, there is no way I could have done something wrong, is there?

"I just wish I knew what was wrong with her" I say and Chakwas yawns and places the files next to her,

"Will can find out later today, but for now I am going back to sleep". She says and I lean forward and pick up the files on the sofa, I am not going anywhere, I have to make sure Shepard is okay,

"Okay I will see you later today" I say and she begins to walk towards the elevator and I start reading the files, I might as well get comfortable and I open the first one

"Thank you for all of your help, sometimes we all need help ad you obviously care about her, I can tell" Chakwas says as she leaves and my eyes stray from the page. I never need help, never have, and never will, but maybe the Commander needs my help, I cannot help this gut feeling that I did something to her and now I cannot fix it. I have never felt more hopeless, I wish our shaky friendship could be better, I wish we didn't argue so much and there is something about her that I want to get to know better, but I have never felt like that before, not for anyone

_So you admit you have feelings for her?_

_No! I never said that, I am just interested in her; after all she is the Commander Shepard_

_So you say, but we both know that it goes further than that_

_It doesn't! I want allow it!_

_You cannot control your feelings; you know that better than most_

I sigh and I throw down the files, I cannot believe I am even thinking about this! I have better things to be doing, I caress my forehead with my fingertips and I stand up and walk towards Shepard, I stop a few centimetres from her so looks so relaxed and younger when she is asleep, and I can really take in her features now, considering we are generally arguing and I never get time to just talk to her as a consequence of that, she has high cheek bones and her skin is like a tea, it glows in the lights and her lips are plump with a pinkish tint and are a beautiful bow, her eyes are soft but sharp when they are on you and they reveal nothing about her but everything at the same time, almost as if you can see her mind working, her eyes are framed with elegant brows which have a delicate arch. She is beautiful, my hand goes to stroke her cheek and as I do it feels like electric running from me to her, she sighs and rolls over into my hand and she murmurs

"Miranda…" Wait what the hell am I doing?! I blink a few times and I frown, I shouldn't be doing this, why am I still here? I should go, my gut twists as I look down at her face, she curls up around my hand and I wrench it out from underneath her cheek and I back away from her, I cannot believe I allowed myself to get that close to her, Gah! What is wrong with me? I cannot tear my eyes away from her sleeping form as she frowns before relaxing again,

"Liara…" she murmurs and it feels like a hot poker to my gut, and I turn away from her and storm out of her room. I should have known that the Asari was mixed up in this somehow; she was from the beginning when she gave us Shepard's body. I hit the button for the Observation Deck and I slump against the wall, how I could ever allow myself to feel anything towards the Commander is ridiculous, if anything I broke my own rules, that I put there to stop myself getting hurt! And I broke them all just to save her life; I do not know if I can bear to face her tomorrow, even if she doesn't remember what happened. I never wanted this! I storm through the Mess Hall to my office and I go over to the window and my hand curl around the windowsill, I put all my weight on my back foot as I lean backwards,

"How stupid was I?" I mutter and I look out into the empty void of space, I should be the cold calculating Ms Lawson that everyone knows but around Shepard when she isn't trying to rip my head off I cannot help but be… different, she just makes me so care free, she gets under my skin, well icy layer but I did this to her, I look down at my hand and I can still feel the tingles from where my fingers touched her cheek, what is this?! It is driving me crazy!

"I wish I knew what to do" I say as I sigh as I rest my head against the glass, letting the coldness in and try and cool down my thoughts. I just want to help her; she doesn't deserve what's happening to her, even though I am not entirely sure what is going on with her. But I cannot even ask about Ashley so how the hell am I supposed to find out about… whatever this is? I know more about her than she knows about herself, I know all her strengths and weaknesses, I know what type of people she gets on with, hell I even know where all of her scars are.

But I cannot even begin to understand what is wrong with her right now, but I really want to know, I want to help her, no matter the cause, I just hope it can be fixed because I do not what I will do if it cannot be and I caused it.

**A/N: So there it is guys, poor Miri **** she thinks it is something she has done to make Shepard forgetful… All will be revealed in the next chapter which should come out in a few days, so for now thank you for reading and please review! **** - Bexaday**


	3. Why Did It Have To Be You?

**Chapter 3**

**Why Did It Have To Be You?**

**A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update, I have been bust with art coursework but right now, I have free time and I thought this would be a good way to fill my time. So here we go!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Mass Effect Series**

Shepard's POV

I groan as my head throbs, jeesh did I go out drinking last night? Or did a Krogan run me over, because it feels like both, I sigh as slowly open my eyes to find my cabin dark. Meaning that either that it is really early or really late I yawn and I swing my legs over the side. God I really cannot remember what happened yesterday… I rest my arm on my knee as it rub my palm into my eyebrow, I need to go see Chakwas, I remember that I needed to see her for some reason… maybe for the headaches because God knows I cannot go to Ms Lawson about it, she would put in her files to the bloody Illusive Man and I don't want that prick knowing anything about me, hell I don't want Ms Lawson knowing anything about me.

_Is that entirely true?_

_Yes! I hate the woman; she is nothing but a pain in the arse!_

_If you say so, but you don't entirely hate her_

_But I still hate her_

_Now you're just splitting hairs_

I shake my head, god damn emotions. They lead to nothing good, only to a world of pain and anger, I let out a sigh as I go over to my door and I open it and go into the elevator and I take a slow ride down to the Observation Deck, my head twinges slightly and sigh and lean my head against the cold metal of the hull and I let it seep into my skull, well I hope it will, because I cannot be dealing with anymore stress and worries, I already have the entire galaxy depending on me, let alone being hated by the Alliance, the only place I could call something similar to home. My heart twinges at that thought and my head lets out a throb of pain and I let out a moan and I lean even more against the hull, god what is with these headaches?! It is like they don't want me to remember anything! The elevator pings open and I stumble out of the elevator and I try not fall over as I make my way over to the medbay, I don't care if another crewmember walks out, I just need some painkillers. The medbay door opens and I look to my left and I see EDI's glowing blue orb, I squint as the light hurts my eyes

"EDI where is Chakwas?" I say as I go and sit in the darkest corner of the medbay, my tongue feels thick and heavy as my eyes flutter to stay open,

"Commander, Doctor Chakwas is currently waking up and will be with you in 10 seconds" Jeesh, I don't think I will be able to keep my eyes open for another second let alone another 10. I sigh and I let my head roll back, god why do I feel so tired? I hear the shutter door open and I force myself to lean forward and my body slumps and I rest my head on my hands and I watch her come running in, her eyes scan the room and then finally her eyes rest on mine and she comes rushing over, I look at her and I give her a smile,

"Chakwas!" I manage to say as the pain makes me grimace and I groan, I feel her hands on me and I look at her face, she looks so worried, more worried than I could ever imagine. Maybe there is something really wrong with me.

"Chakwas, is it really bad?" I say as I manage to focus through the pain and her eyes meet mine briefly

"Aimee, just shut up and let me do my job" I gulp and I try to sit still, she stands up and comes back with a needle and she pulls my arm out and I manage to sit up right as she puts it into my arm and injects some kind of drug, I sigh as I flex my hand and the pain begins to recede. I look to her and her brows is crunched up in a frown, what could she be thinking?

"Thanks Chakwas" I say softly I stand up and sit on one of the beds, knowing Chakwas; she will want an entire body analysis. I sigh as the pain becomes less and for once it seems in a very long time I think without having a headache, I watch Chakwas as she walks over with a pad in hand, I groan, why do I always have to be right?

"Right Aimee, first things first when did you first start getting the headaches?" Chakwas says and I think back, hell I cannot even remember a time when I didn't have a headache, atleast not before the whole dying thing. I frown slightly and I cross my arms and I look down at the floor, I don't want to admit my weakness to her, I cannot afford to let anyone know really, I will not be undermined by my crew. I look back up to Chakwas eyes, and they are so patient and loving and my heart breaks a little, I have known her for such a long time now and if I can trust anyone it should be Chakwas, my eyes being to sting with tears. Finally I can tell someone, I don't have to hold it in

"I don't remember Chakwas… I just don't remember" I say and she pulls me into a hug and I cannot stop the singular tear that runs down my face,

"It is okay Aimee, you're not on own anymore, I am going to help you, we will stop the headaches somehow" I frown, does she not get it? I don't remember anything

"No I don't remember anything before I woke up, hell Chakwas I didn't even remember my own name until Miranda told me. Cerberus have screwed me over again" I sob into her shoulder and she holds me tighter

"We will find why you can't remember anything," she pulls me out of the hug and her hands cup my face and I close my eyes as more tears falls more rapidly down my face, I didn't want to die, hell nobody wants to die but then again I had no one to live for. I have no Ashley, nothing to call my own other than my dog tags and I don't even have those, instead I have the shitty ones that Cerberus gave me. I nod and she pulls me back in for a hug, and I breathe in deep and I relax for the first time in a long time and I just her hold me as the tears just fall silently down my face, then I look up as the door opens and Miranda is stood there and she goes to take a step forward and I release Chakwas and back away slightly,

"Oh sorry, I didn't mean to intrude, I-"

"Well you did" I deadpan and she looks at me and her eyes become cold and calculating again, God, this woman has issues, can she not see that she isn't wanted? I can her taking a deep breath and she keeps eye contact with me and she walks in

"Are you feeling better? Last time I saw you, you were suffering-"I frown what happened earlier? I don't remember anything infact.

"Miranda, now isn't the time" I wipe the tears off my cheeks and I lean on one foot.

"What happened earlier?" I say as I look over to Chakwas, I don't understand, what the hell happened?!

"You don't remember?" Miranda says in disbelief and agitation ignites in my stomach, why does she always ask such stupid questions?!

"I wouldn't be asking Ms Lawson if I didn't remember" I say in a sour tone and I just keep looking at Chakwas, her mouth is set in a grim line

"Early this morning we were woken up because you had collapsed and you were having a seizer, I… we didn't know how to help you, we thought you were going to die Aimee! So," Chakwas says tiredly and she rubs her forehead "We sedated you, a temporary solution until you woke up, without Miranda's help you would be dead Aimee" She says and I frown even harder, how does this even make any sense? I don't remember waking up and sure as hell confused about what is happening to me! I raise a hand to my head and I rub the palm of my hand into my forehead

"This… I… This makes no sense" I murmur and I feel her hand on my shoulder

"It isn't your fault Shepard" I wrench my shoulder from her grip and I fly round to meet her gaze, her blue eyes are wide with surprise, if anything it is her fault, she rebuilt me! I am supposed to be her project and she fucking ruined me!

"Don't fucking touch me, don't you dare," I say quietly and the room goes silent. I can feel my biotics humming under the surface, I cannot flip out, that is unprofessional and I have to keep my emotions in check, I take a deep breath "It was your Cerberus that rebuilt me, you rebuilt me so if anything it is your fault! It's your fucking fault that I cannot remember jack shit!" I yell as my voice gets louder towards the end and I feel my biotics flare up and I cannot control my emotions anymore, and she was the one who fucking ruined me so I don't see why I should have to remain calm. She ruined me and now I have nothing other than being held hostage by Cerberus and nobody knows I am alive, what kind of life is that?

"It isn't like that Shepard! I had no idea that-" Miranda starts and her blue eyes are like ice, why does she bother playing the sympathy card when I know she is a liar, why does she cover for Cerberus they are _terrorists. _I scoff

"You liar! You rebuilt me! You know more about me than I do!" I yell at her and I feel Chakwas pull on my arm and I shake her off.

"Do you think I would ever do this to anyone?! To you?!" She yells and I cannot deal with being in the same room as her right now, anger sizzles through my veins, I don't even want to look at her otherwise I might just do something I will regret, I force myself to go past her and I don't touch her but she grabs my wrists and I look into her eyes as a part of me feels sick, because I don't want that bitch to touch me but the other half begins to calm down

"Please let me explain Shepard" she says and I pull my arm from her grip and I head towards the doors before pausing

"I don't want to even see you right now, let alone let you explain" I say in a bitter tone before walking off, I don't want to see her, because right now. She is causing them all and the less I have the better.

**A/N: Aw how sad… but don't worry it will pick up soon! So has anyone guessed what is causing the headaches yet?... no? Well stay tuned to find out! Thank for reading and please please please please please review, they mean a lot to me! **** - Bexaday**


	4. What The Hell Have You Done To Me?

**Chapter 4**

**What The Hell Have You Done To Me?**

**A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long to write this but I have so much coursework and stuff there is no time, but next week I will have lots of free time so don't you worry! And all of my stories shall be updated as soon as I am able upload them **

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything from Mass Effect **

Miranda's POV

I didn't want it to turn out this way! Anger burns through my veins as I storm out of the medbay, I cannot believe Shepard! I could never do that to another human being, half of the time I don't even agree with what Cerberus does, but what the hell have I done to Shepard?! I don't remember changing anything about her, I went over countless brain scans, hundreds of reports. And it still wasn't enough. My eyes begin to blur, damn it the crew cannot see me like this, nobody should. Why the hell am I getting so emotional! I knew I shouldn't have taken this project on!

_Shepard is a person you know, not a project_

I know I know! But I am so used to calling her that, and I never had to worry about having to pretend on being this… this bitch around her. I could just sit with her and I felt so much calmer than I have since I saved Orianna. I keep walking and the doors to my office open and I keep walking until I am looking out the window. How is it that she gets under my skin so easily? She hasn't said one nice thing to me since she woke up, I just feel so bad when I look at her, because I can see is rage in those eyes and there doesn't seem to have room for anything else. Then I feel wetness on my cheek, I frown and my hand goes up and I wipe away the wetness and I look at it. A tear.

This is the first of many tears that I have cried for Shepard; something tells me it is the first of many.

Shepard's POV

I don't want to think about her, but I cannot stop thinking about her! I groan as I sit at my desk inside my office and I let my head fall on the table, I wince as it thumps slightly but I try to use the coolness to block her out. I don't want to think about her, about that raven haired woman, her piercing blue eyes and that alabaster white skin. She has ruined me, broken me more than I already was but I cannot help think over the argument in the medbay, she seemed so sincere but is it a façade? I cannot be too sure, hell how can I be when she works for Cerberus?

"Commander, the Illusive Man keeps nagging me to move this ship out from under his ass and to Freedom's Progress" Jokers' voice blares out from the walls and I smile, damn, that man knows how to make me smile

"Sure Joker, get us there as quick as possible" I say and I can hear Joker chuckling

"Aye Aye Commander, ETA an hour" I smile and lean back and I think back to my death, and a cold shiver goes up my spine and my gut twists. I never want that to happen again, it was like I was suffocating and drowning at the same time, I pick up the pen on the side and I twirl it between my fingers and I can remember how cold it was when I was hurtling in space before my suit's systems began to shut down. Nothing can compare to how cold it was, it was bone chilling and when my suit began to shut down and cut off my oxygen supply I felt like all my warmth and happiness was sucked out of me and I was happy because then, then I could have been with Ashley, my lips curve up involuntary and all I can think of is her when we she came into my quarters one time,

_(Flashback to the Normandy before Virmire)_

_What a long day, I sigh as I sit on my desk and I place my hands out behind me and close my eyes as I listen to the sweet noise of the Normandy and a smile beams on my face, Ashley. Oh she has no idea what she does to me, on the mission she got surround by Geth and I have never felt so desperate and my gut clenched, I had to save her and that's exactly what I did, I smashed into them and I made sure they wouldn't be getting up anytime soon, but then I heard the beeping of a grenade and I jumped into her sending her sprawling underneath me as I shielded her from the blast and her hands encircled my torso and she pulled me down as the blast send a piece of debris coming at my head and then she loosened her hold and I looked through my visor and hers and I swear I could she her blushing and I smirked and lust begins to drip into my core._

"_Are you okay down there?" I ask and I don't move and I can see her swallow as she nods her head slowly and I smile and I slowly drag myself off her, letting all of my limbs graze her as I slide over and off her body, save to say lust is pulsing around my system. _

_Safe to say it was totally worth it, and I am snapped out of my thoughts as my door opens to reveal a rather awkward looking Gunnery Chief, I manage to contain my laughter as she walks in and my stomach tightens and my palms begin to sweat. Sometimes hormones are really fucking annoying, but I really do love her when she is like this. Wait, did I say that I love her?_

_(End of flashback)_

Wow, my eyes widen, I am surprised I remembered anything, but that is one of the best memories I have of Ashley, god I miss her. My eyes begin to water and I try to hold in the tears but I can't and one falls down my cheek and onto my chin, I feel so empty without her, hell I wanted to retire before I died, I didn't want to create more memories with someone only to have them die on me, because I don't think I can cope with that again. I drop the pen and I lean forward on the desk and I rest my hands over my eyes as the tears fall more regularly, and I cannot stop them, I have lost everyone who I ever cared for because of my duty, because of what's right, but I am the one who ends up suffering and I cannot take it anymore, and now, Cerberus, the only people I have ever truly hated have brought me back when my life wasn't worth living then and defiantly isn't now, I can feel the sob building in my chest, I cannot bring back all those people I have lost, and I cannot even see their faces properly, my head twinges with pain but I don't care anymore, I just need to get out of here, off this ship and I need someone to care about me. A noise similar to a sob tears from my lips and my chest heaves with it all. I cannot remember who I was, so how the hell am I supposed to save the galaxy?

"I am hopeless" I murmur and I feel a hand on my shoulder

"No you're not" an Australian voice says softly and anger streaks through me and I stand up so quickly that my chair is knocked far behind me and I whirl round to see Ms Lawson,

"What the hell are you doing here?!" I yell in a hoarse voice and her eyes burn into my soul, and they rain with sadness and pity. But I don't want her fucking pity! I don't want her near me right now and I defiantly don't want her in my room!

"I came to see if you are alright" she says quietly and something in me stirs slightly, why does she care so much? I have only ever been rude to her, it's like she cannot understand that I hat her for what she has done to me

_You don't hate her_

_Yes I do, now shut up!_

_I know you don't hate her; in fact she cares about you and your being a bitch to her_

_I don't care what you think, she fucked me up_

_Do you really believe that?_

I pause and I look at her and she is stood there with her arms at her side helplessly, could I be wrong about her?

Miranda's POV

I don't think I have ever seen anyone so broken before, I only knew she was upset because of the camera stream into my room and when I saw her, my heart clenched so painfully, I never want her to be so sad, and broken. I thought I had brought her back without any faults but I must have gone wrong somewhere, which makes her my responsibility, because I did this to her, and I can see it in Chakwas and Joker's eyes, even if they don't say it, I know they think it. My feet have already dragged me into the elevator and I hit the button for her room and my gut clenches. I am sick and tired of the fighting between us; I just want us to be friends, if that is possible. I don't want her to think she has to ear this all on her own. And I will make sure she remembers everything, she has to because if she doesn't, I will never forgive myself. I tap my fingers against my legs as I wait for it to go up, this elevator always does take bloody forever! I let out a irritated sigh and I shift slightly with my hand on my hip and the door opens and I walk out and I walk in as quietly as possible and I can hear her sobbing and my heart goes out to her, she is so sad, so lost and it was all because of me

"I am hopeless" she murmurs and I cannot help but placing a hand on her shoulder and electricity flows through my hand at my contact with her

"No you are not" I say softly and she bolts up from her chair and I manage to jump out of the way of the chair as it goes flying back and she turns to face me and I want to cup her face and kiss away those tears, wait, what?!  
_So you want to kiss her?_

_No! Well… I don't think I do!_

I look into her eyes and they are so broken, as the normal light hazel colour is darkened to burnt amber and her tear stained face has slightly puffy red eyes

"What the hell are you doing here?!" She yells and her voice is hoarse from sobbing and I my gut clenches so painfully, I just want her to be happy, I want her to be able to be the way she was before she died.

"I just wanted to check that you're okay" I say quietly and simply, I cannot stand this fighting anymore, it is so tiring and I can't keep up with this anymore, I see her pause and a bolt of hope goes through me, maybe for once she will see me and not the front I have to put on, I try as hard as I can to make her see it through my eyes but hers remain dark and she turns away from me and leans back on the desk with her back facing me

"Just… go Miranda, I don't want to fight, I don't care anymore, just be ready to go to Freedom's Progress in 20 minutes" she says wearily and I have never felt so crushed but words before, and I know if anybody else had said them I would have argued but with her and seeing how tired she is, I cannot help but want to comfort her, because I know how it feels to be so alone and not know what to do. I have been there and I would never wish that upon anybody knowing what an emotional shit storm it is.

"Of course Shepard" I say and I cannot help but place a hand on her shoulder and touching her sends jolts of electricity throughout my body, she stiffens slightly but I don't remove it, I won't remove it until she knows that I am here for her, and she relaxes after a few minutes and she turns to face me and her eyes are still dark but they are slightly lighter and she gives me a weak smile,

"Thank you Miranda" she says softly and my gut erupts with butterflies and I give her shoulder a slight squeeze and return her smile

"Have you got another headache or one festering? Because I can get Chakwas for you" I offer and her smile widens and her eyes are a warm brown now

"Yes, thanks Miranda, for caring about me" she says softly and I can feel a blush coat my cheeks and I look down and I remove my hand from her shoulder

"Of course Shepard" I say and I turn to leave and as I am about to leave she stops me in my tracks

"Why do you care Miranda?" she asks curiously and I blush even harder and my tongue gets thick. What the hell is wrong with me?! I never get like this! I clear my throat as my pulse begins to jump frantically. I lean on the doorframe and I turn back to look at her

"Because I know what it is like to lose everything you thought you were and have no idea on how to get it back" I say and I leave quickly as I entered. I cannot help but feel this overwhelming urge to protect her, and I cannot stop this feeling I have towards her and I will not let her lose herself, because she needs to find herself, and by god I will do everything in my power to help her.

**A/N: So there we have it guys! There first tender/bonding moment! Awww isn't it cute? Well please review and I should have the next chapter out by tomorrow **** - Bexaday**


	5. Unwanted Suprises

**Chapter 5**

**Unwanted Surprises**

**A/N: I have to apologise, this has taken me forever and my everyday has turned into about two weeks, I don't even know how or why that happened, so I am sorry for the delay, I have no idea where the time has gone but still thanks to all those who support and read this story, without you this would mean nothing to me.**

**Disclaimer: I do not anything from the Mass Effect Series**

Shepard's POV

I allow my eyes begin to water as I hear the elevator doors close, and I clench my hand as it rests on the table, why the hell is she effecting me like this? I don't want to cry but I just cannot stop myself this time, she makes me feel so…human and like me again, if that even makes any sense, and I want to hate her but I just can't, she knows what it is like to lose something so important to you, I just know it. I sigh as I blink away the tears and I walk over to my armour locker and I pull out my armour. This is so fucked up and I have no idea what the hell is going on. I don't know what I am going to do on Freedom's Progress, from reports I have read about missing collonies there is nobody there, not a single sign of confrontation or attack, they were just gone, I walk over to the side cabinet and pull out some trousers and I swap them for my shorts as I begin to put on my armour, I slot my feet into the boots and I can feel the foam reshaping around my foot making it as comfortable as possible and the outer shell begins to reform around my ankle and foot as I flip the locks on my suit and my mind drifts back to what just happened.

Miranda held her ground when most people wouldn't have, they wouldn't have even checked on me, because they seem to think I am indestructible, but I am not, I am human and sometimes I need someone to check I am okay, and she did that, she thought about me, and no matter how much anger and hatred I showed her, no matter how disrespectful I was she never complained and she was always calm and forgiving until she put up that icy wall, and I hated not being able to see her for who she truly is, I don't know why but a part of me just got pissed off when she did it because I just wanted to rip it down

_It is because deep down you care about her more than you think_

_I…I don't want to think of it…her like that_

_But you already do, without realising it you do_

_But I don't want to get hurt again and she fucked me up, she did something wrong and now I cannot remember that, how do you forgive someone for something like that? How?!_

_You will have to figure that out for yourself_

_Some bloody help you are_

I sigh as a crushing feeling fills my chest, I want to be friends with her, but how do I forgive someone for something like that? I have no idea who I am, or how I am supposed to save the galaxy again, and without the Alliance, I have no home or friends anymore. I have been ripped away from everything I have ever known, because of what has happened to me, how do you forgive something so big? I feel a twinge of pain across my brain and I wince. I wish this job wasn't so stressful sometimes, plus my personal life is lost until I get my memory back, because I will, I just wish I had Liara with me, she would help me remember, my head twinges again in warning but I focus on the thought of Liara, I have to remember what she looks like. Liara was an Asari, a pure blood if I remember and she was so naïve and socially awkward. I smile as I get a flash of her young face and her dark blue blush, and then my head seizes slightly with pain and I groan slightly and I lean on the chair as I force myself to stay standing. God that wasn't a good idea

"Aimee? Miranda sent me up here, she told me you needed some more treatment" I smile through the pain and I try not to wince as each word is like a nail going into my head

"EDI open the door" I whisper and it opens to reveal a nervous looking Chakwas, her eyes meet mine and hers go wide and she rushes over and she puts her arms over my shoulders and I let her guide me over to the bed

"What have you done this time?" she says lowly and I smirk but it evaporates off my face as my head twinges again and my knees feel all weak and only the armour on my legs and Chakwas' support is holding me up, when we finally reach the bed my eyes are rolling and I am sweating with the effort of sitting up, I try to focus on Chakwas as she lines the needle up with the vein in my arm and I barely feel the pain as she empties the pale liquid contents of the needle into me and the pain begins to recede and I take a deep breath, as I begin to feel lighter and I blink a few times before looking at Chakwas, I smile up at her and she is watching me with worried expression

"I am okay" I say as I lean back and haul the chest piece on and clip it on

"You have to be more careful Aimee" Chakwas scolds me and I roll my eyes, as anger seeps through me, I cannot help but want to know how I managed to save the galaxy last time and I want to remember about myself. I want to know who I am.

"I am sorry Doc, but I want to remember who I am and I cannot even remember who people were, just now I was trying to remember about Liara and I wanted to remember something, I did but I felt something similar to a warning twinge before I even thought about her." I say and Chakwas stares off and I can hear her muttering under her breath, I frown, what the hell is wrong with her?

"Doc?" I say and her eyes snap back to mine and they are wide and I can see her mind working in them, her hand thrusts out a series of small needles into my hand

"Take these with you, you never know when it will happen and you need to be ready when it does, I need to go and run some tests but come and see me when you come back from Freedoms Progress" she says and I nod and she stands up and leaves swiftly, I shake my head as a small smile makes its way to my lips, she was always busy and had so many ideas so I guess I am used to her abruptly leaving like that.

"Commander, the shuttle is ready to take you to Freedom's Progress" Jokers voice blares out

"Thanks Joker" I say and I fix my gauntlets back in place and I pick up the needles and I open the armoured pocket on my thigh and walk out to the elevator and slowly make my way down from my quarters to the shuttles.

Miranda's POV

"What is taking the Commander so long?" Jacob asks as he paces back and forth infront of the shuttle. I sigh as his pacing is starting to become irritating, I lean back on the shuttle and I look at my perfectly manicured nails, what doesn't he understand that Shepard gets here when she gets here. Oh Shepard, a sad smile appears on my face when I picture her face, she has suffered so much because of my mistake, but she is still marching on, and still putting on a brave face and for that I admire her, and I just hope I did the right thing by going to see her, because it felt right and something that felt that right surely cannot be bad, can it? Jacob sighs impatiently and I have to try my hardest not to roll my eyes at him as he stops his pacing and takes the space next to me, I shuffle over a bit but he sits right next to me, so close it feels like I am suffocating as he leans in and his brow eyes have darkened slightly, oh no, I have seen this before, all the men are like this in the club, I back away slightly

"You know, Shepard is late and we are all alone" Jacob said and he raises his hand and tried to touch me but I moved out of his way

"Jacob, I told you, it was a one-time thing" I say flippantly, he was just there at the right time when I needed to relieve some tension, I just needed a release from everything, but I didn't love him or even lust after him, damn it! I knew I would have regretted sleeping with him! And I pushed myself off the shuttle

"Maybe it can be a two-time thing" he said smoothly and he reached for my wrist and I jerked back out of his range, what the fuck has gotten into Jacob?! I know how to deal with guys like him and I don't exactly like doing it, but I will if push comes to shove.

"No Jacob, and I suggest you stop pursuing this, I am not someone you can just use" I say calmly as I turn back to see his face contort into a lust-rage mask and my biotics flare slightly

"You weren't complaining the first time, then again we all knew you have a thing for Shepard" he snarls, and as hard as I try I cannot switch off the emotion of shock, how dare he?! I have never felt anything towards her other than compassion and friendship

"That, Jacob is completely unprofessional and I have never thought of her like that, we are merely… acquaintances that understand each other" Jacob lets loose a bitter laugh

"Is that what you call fawning over someone? God than you have more than just your father issues to worry about now" he spits out and rage goes through me

"Don't you dare Jacob, you promised and you know how I feel about my father, but then again it isn't your place to judge, considering your own father is it Jacob?" I say sweetly, and his face goes red, I am antagonizing him but he has pushed me too far this time and he comes face to face with me until all I can see it the brown iris of his eyes and I plaster on the icy cold face.

"Do not bring my father into this" he says but he doesn't move away and I stare straight back, I will not be threatened into sex, not by anyone

"Do not bring mine either Jacob" I say in a clipped tone and he pushes his forehead against mine and I smirk as I turn away from him and begin to walk back towards the shuttle

"Jacob, if you are done trying to confuse the issue, I actually have work to be doing" I say and then I hear a thump and I turn around to see Shepard, holding Jacob fists in her own as it was heading straight for me as she clenches it in her hand I cannot help but be fascinated by how small her hands are but yet they stop Jacob, her arm flexes slightly and I can feel the anger pouring out of Shepard

"Did your family not teach you? You never hit a women, let alone when there back is turn Jacob" she says in calm voice which sends chills up my back, Jacobs face is one of shock as she pushes him back and he staggers slightly as she releases his fist, he says nothing as he just gapes at her

"I do not think you are emotionally ready for this mission, go and see Kelly were she can reassess your mental health" she says and she turns on her heels and her light hazel eyes meet mine and she smiles, like properly smiles and my insides melt slightly at it, what the hell? How did she even get this far without me or Jacob hearing her? Not that I am not glad that she turned up but still, and why the hell is she defending me? Shepard treats me like a sworn enemy but now… Just what is going on?!

"I believe we have somewhere to be going Ms Lawson?" Shepard says as she walks into the shuttle and mechanically I follow her and I sit down opposite Shepard

"Joker we are ready to leave, let loose the shuttle" Shepard says and the shuttle's locks hiss as we depart from the Normandy. I am still in shock but I guess I should say something? Thank you maybe?

"Shepard… thank you" I say and her eyes meet mine and she smiles again and her hazel eyes glow as the light filtering in the shuttle windows glides over her face

"It is fine, I am just glad I got there in time" Shepard says and she frowns slightly,

"Why was he like that? I have never seen him like that" Shepard says, and I look down at the shuttle floor; what the hell do I say? If I tell her straight she is going to want to kill Jacob, why should I even trust her? The again, who is she going to tell? Other than the Illusive Man, there isn't really anyone else, but then again I don't see any other way. My cheeks become slightly warmer and I just know I am blushing but hopefully in this poor lighting she won't notice, but I glance back up at her and I can see her eyes studying me

"Me and Jacob once… slept together, it was a stressful time and we needed to release some tension but I think to him it must have meant more than just that, but it didn't and he wanted it again and I said no and then it spiralled off into other topics" I say and I drift off towards the end. I look out to see understanding in her eyes, this is just getting odd.

"I am so sorry Miranda, I know exactly what you're feeling" she says simply and I raise my eyebrow, how could she know?

"How do you know?" I say and she frowns slightly and she rubs her forehead

"Err… from what I can remember, the entire Alliance wanted to sleep with me or be me and once I did with one of them, and let's just say I ended up ruining a lot of things that way" Shepard says with a pained expression

"Well atleast you remembered something" I say and she lets out a small chuckle

"Very true" then there is an awkward silence between us, and the gap stretches and it gets more and more tense, I wish I could stop looking at her but I can't, the way her hair is tied back to the way her armour gleams in the light

"Look Miranda, I owe you an apology, for everything, I was a total bitch, and I was lost and confused and I took that out on you because you were the easiest to blame and the closest, and it doesn't exactly help you are with Cerberus, But you didn't deserve the way I treated you. I am so sorry Miranda" Shepard says leaning forward and I feel like I am drowning in her gaze and her words sink in, she really meant it and I didn't expect that, my heart feels lighter than it has in days knowing she is sorry but I am too, infact I should shun her apology, considering it is my fault anyway that she acted like that. I smile a true smile that I thought I had forgotten how to do even smile.

"Thank you Shepard, I didn't expect that but thank you, not that I am any better-"

"No you were kind to me and checked on me when others left me to crumble and that's all I could ask for in a friend, that's if we can be friends?" She says and the smile just gets bigger on my face and I nod and I haven't been in such a good mood for a very long time but I am glad it has happened and maybe we can start looking forward. I feel the familiar jolt of the shuttle landing, and I look to Shepard

"Our first priority is looking for survivors" I nod and I stand up and I unholster my pistol as Shepard takes point as the shuttle doors open on the empty colony.

Shepard's POV

We have been walking through the colony for awhile now and I haven't seen a single sign of people or disturbance just like all the other reports, and I never expected it to be so…eerie, we go through house after house and there is nothing. Then we enter another house this time there are some Quarians there, and by instinct I raise my pistol and they draw their weapons

"Cerberus scum!" One yells and he comes forward and his gun is aiming into my chest and I swallow the anger inside of me and I tilt my head and stare

"We are only here to investigate what happened, we are not here to fight" I say calmly and I hear a voice which is so familiar

"Prazza! Weapons down! This is my mission not yours!" a small Quarian pushes her way forwards and I just stare at her, it cannot be, can it? Through her visor I find her eyes

"Shepard?!" she exclaims and then my arm begins to rise, I frown what the hell is going on?! I try and force it down but it only shakes with effort as I try to force it down,

"Who are you?" I say, I cannot remember her clearly, all I know is that she helped me save the galaxy last itme, but my arm isn't stopping and I am getting more and more panicky as my arm raises my pistol to her head and Prazza raises his weapon to my head

"Stop Cerberus! I will shoot!" he says but I cannot stop, why can I not stop?! I try over and over again but I cannot stop!

"Miranda! I cannot stop!" I yell out and I cannot even look away from Tali, what is happening?! My fingers curl around the trigger and my arm is shaking, the Quarian still hasn't moved but her hands are up in surrender but I cannot stop, no matter how hard I try to force myself to stop

"Shepard! What is happening?" The Quarian shout out but I cannot even answer her as my fingers begin to pull the trigger back, I cannot move away from where I am stood, I cannot even look away, no matter how hard I try.

I cannot stop myself.

**A/N: So there we have it! A cliffhanger for you all! So please R and R and thanks for reading - Bexaday**


	6. Why Can I Not Control Myself?

**Chapter 6**

**Why Can I Not Control Myself?**

**A/N: Sorry this took so long, but I had to plan out what was going to happen very carefully and now I have so enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect**

Miranda's POV

She isn't going to stop.

Why can't she stop?! My gut clenches as I watch the gun rise, she has to be joking but I look at her face and I can see the horror as it rises until it is level with Tali, she is shaking with the effort to stop but she can't, damn it! What is happening?! I would rush over to her but with all of the Quarians pointing their rifles at us it is too dangerous, my gut clenches almost painfully. There has to be another way to stop her, because I know, I just know she won't be able to stop on her own.

"Miranda! Help me!" she yells and I have never felt this feeling before, it just makes me want to help her, more than I have ever felt towards anyone else, and I just want to go and rip that gun from her hand and make sure she is okay, and more than anything I want to help her find out what is happening to her, because I have no idea what is happening and I just have this feeling I am mixed up in it somewhere. I have to touch her or something, I raise my hand and I slowly place it on her shoulder and I see her relax slightly and she forces her head to tilt back to look at me,

"It will be alright, just give me the gun" I say softly and I she her hand shakes more, I have no idea why I feel this… sensitivity towards her, it is like an uncontrollable force and I have no way of stopping the draw I feel towards her, I take a step towards her and I rest my other hand on her arm holding the gun and I can feel the muscles pulling in both directions as she fights for it to stay static, my gut tightens as I rub my hand softly down her arm and I feel her muscles quiver under my hand, her eyes seem like they are forced up to mine and I see fright, true, untamed fright in what is happening, I read in reports that her and Tali were close.

"Shepard! Snap out of it!" Tali yells as she raises her hands in a sign of defeat, she knows not to move, Shepard was the best shot in the Alliance, and nobody loses a skill like that. A cold sweat threatens to break out but I move my hands up to Shepard's face, I know this isn't entirely appropriate but it has to be done and if it stops her all the better, my hands shake slightly as the glide up and over her arms and up her neck and they rest on the sides of her face and her eyes dart up to mine and I lock my gaze with hers and my gut begins to get the familiar dripping of lust as I coax Shepard into control, and I dart my eyes down to her plumb lips and this feels so right, so natural to be doing this, and I just want to- Oh shit! No I do not want to go down that path! Not with her! Not with anyone! My eyes widen and I lightly bite my lip and her eyes dart downwards and I say it again, I have to say something otherwise I may do something I will regret, I push away any emotions which are coming towards me and I squash them, I cannot be having them, not right now.

"Shepard, you need to drop the gun" I say so softly even I can barely hear it and her hazel eyes grow calmer and she closes them and her face goes relaxed

"I am trying Miri, I am trying so hard" she says and somehow we just click together as it seems so natural to rub my thumb over her cheek and I just do it, before I even had the chance to stop myself, I can feel her whole body relax and her arms begin to relax, but I have to be sure

"Just let go Shepard, just let go" I say and then she opens her eyes and they burn into my blue ones, and they harden over slightly and then she drops it and I sigh as I relax and the tension in the room decreased majorly, I smile at her she smiles back with a slight blush on her cheeks

"Thank you Miranda for helping me" she says and warmth fills me, she trusts me, finally she trusts me, it took us this long to even become friends and so I am so happy that this has happened, but I just know that Shepard will want a word back on the Normandy, I can tell by the way she is looking at me,

"It was no problem Shepard" I say more professionally, and then I look at the way we are stood, my hands are on her face as if we had been locked in an embrace, shit. I cough and I take a step away from her as take my hands away from her face and I turn back to face Tali as I try to hide my blush from Shepard, I should have been more careful, hell I shouldn't have even done that!

_But you had to do that, otherwise Tali would have died_

_But there must have been another way!_

_But you did what you thought was best at the time, Tali was moments away from being more than likely fatally wounded and Shepard would have killed her friend due to an unknown cause. You saved their lives and sanity._

_I never saw it like that_

_You never do until it is over_

I guess, I should just carry on like everything is normal, nothing will ever happen and nothing happened just then, did it? I will not delude myself and try and convince myself that anything happened, no matter what my thoughts and feelings are.

Shepard's POV

What the hell is happening to me?!

I would never attack Tali, so what the hell is happening to me?! What the hell have Cerberus done to me?! I don't understand! I don't have any control over my own body now! First it was the headaches, I could deal with those, at least they were somewhat manageable but now this, I have to see Chakwas when I get back, this cannot go on, I will not attack my friends, nor do I ever want to.

_What about Miranda? _I turn to look at her slightly and she is hiding her face away from me, what the hell happened between us?! It felt so… natural and right, just so right, my gut was doing somersaults as her hands rested on my face and lust dripped into my core as her hands glided over my body, it was enough to make me moan. It was like we connected, it was almost as if she knew what it was like to have someone controlling you, deciding what you can and cannot remember, Maybe there is more to her than this Ice Queen exterior, I mean I have seen it but not for long and not in public. I think under all of that iciness there is a really nice person who could be my friend

_Maybe more?_

_No! I don't think of her like that!_

_Are you sure? Because I don't believe you_

_I hate you right now._

I shake my head as I slowly raise my gaze back up to Tali, I don't want to hurt her, and I would never forgive myself if I did do something, but in fact the reason I didn't do anything is because of Miranda, she saved us all, no matter what she thinks that is what she did and I see her differently now, it is like I never noticed that she could be admirable or honest or even nice to me but today she proved me wrong, and I am glad she did. I reach the feet of Tali and I can feel fear starting to course though my veins but I crush it, I won't be scared, I haven't done anything wrong, and I never would if that meant hurting Tali, hell if it was anyone that was or is on my crew I would be mortified with myself. I slowly make my way up to her purple coloured visor and her eyes and glaring at Miranda and a surge of protectiveness goes through me, we have to get to Veetor as fast as possible and with or without Tali's help

"We will go and find Veetor" I say to her and she nods but another Quarian pipes up and a bolt of annoyance goes through me, Tali is their Captain, so why aren't they paying her any respect?!

"You cannot be serious! They are Cerberus! No matter whether this is the Commander or not I will not sit idly by and let them take Veetor!" he yells as he points his rifle at me and I go to grasp at my pistol but it is on the floor slightly in front of me, but it doesn't matter

"Prazza! If you don't like my orders, go wait on the ship, if decide to follow orders than you will help Shepard!" she yells and he hesitates before putting away his assault rifle. I nod at Tali and I bend down and pick up my pistol and I re-holster it as we walk out. I activate my tech armour as we find ourselves being attacked by mechs which have been re-programmed by Veetor, they are simple mechs that require little to no difficulty especially when it is me and Miranda working together, we seem to know where each other is going to be and what the next best thing to do is and when. I don't think I have ever worked with someone on this level before without having at least trained with them for a year at the least. As the last mech falls down I turn to Miranda and she smiles at me and my gut twists, what is going on with me? I smile back only for a split second as we here gunfire around the corner and we see a heavy mech, making its way towards us as it slowly picks off the rest of the Quarians, but where the fuck is Tali?! My heart begins to race

"Tali! Where are you?!" I yell out and my comms link activates and I hear Tali's voice

"Don't worry about me, I am on the other side of the door, I am safe Shepard" is all she says but it is more than enough, the I turn back just in time to see the Heavy mech turn its gaze back on us, I dive out of the way as I hear it releasing a missile and as I hit the floor I roll into cover, I crouch behind it and look over to Miranda to see her doing the same

"This is going to be one tough son of a bitch to take down!" she yells and I cannot help but smile, even though this isn't the best time considering that statement is true as there is only two of us, but that is more than enough, the mech has paused and I take a deep breath and I look over to Miranda and I nod at her, she nods back and I tear away from cover and I aim into its head as I fire off cryo ammo into its head and torso as Miranda aims for its cannon arm, I walk closer and closer to it as Miranda gets a more central spot and everytime I fire I can hear the steel ammo denting into the mech, I empty my thermal clip and I dodge out of the way as its cannon hand comes flying down and makes a crater into the ground of where I was once stood. My blood pumps hot and fast around my body as I reload my pistol and I hear a loud clank

"Cannon hand disengaged!" Miranda yells and I turn around and back away as it advances slowly firing high rapid bullets at me and I fire into it head, and then the head explodes but it keeps on advancing, my god will this thing never die?!

"Miranda use a Warp now!" I yell and I can feel the electric charged air swell under her biotics as she launches a Warp and I tap into my biotics and let loose an Overload and the air crackles as they combine and I dive into cover as it explodes. I smile as I poke my head out of cover to see its shredded body. Fuck yes! I stand from cover and Miranda meets me just beside the remains and we look at each other and my gut fills with butterflies, no I cannot be feeling like this! Not with her! I push the feelings away and we walk through the door only to see Tali hunched over a injured Quarian, I just cannot look at her properly, knowing that I could have almost shot her, I could have killed her. I have never felt more ashamed or guilty than right now, I rush past her and into the room only to see a crazed Veetor.

_Back on the Normandy…_

I stormed into decontamination, I need to see Chakwas, that shouldn't be happening, I shouldn't have to stop myself from killing my friends, hell it shouldn't be happening period! I grind my teeth together, I shouldn't have to rely on Miranda to stop me, I shouldn't need anyone to have to do that! I hear Miranda behind me and I lean against the wall as the decontamination begins

"Shepard I-" she begins

"What the hell is happening to me?!" I shout as I turn round to face her and her eyes grow sharp and then I can feel the headache beginning to form, I rub my palm into my eyebrow, I have never felt so unbelievably helpless and broken,

"What is it?" I murmur and I can see a blush fill her cheeks as her eyes bare into mine

"I don't know! I don't know what is causing this! And despite everything, all my training, all my experience it isn't enough to help you! Despite all my father did for me…" her yellsdies down into bitter words towards the end as she throws her hands up and she turns to lean on the wall nad I can see her shoulders heaving as the rest of her muscles grow taunt, I can practically feel the agitation rolling off her, the anger at her lack of knolwage. Which means she wants to help me, the Cerberus ice queen actually wants to help me?! My gut tightening slightly as my headache grows worse, my god I need to get those injections out and in my system sooner rather than later,

"Sometimes we don't know everything, I certainly have no clue" I say and her eyes refocus on mine

"But I am supposed to be the one who helps you, and knows what to do, but I have no clue what is happening or if we can even fix…this" she says wearily and she takes a few steps closer to me and all I can do is focus on her slink movements and the clicking of her high heels vibrates through me and I wince at the sound, god I am so glad this didn't happen when we were near Tali, oh god, I get a massive rush of pain as I think of her, I groan and I fiddle with the thigh pocket of my armour, I have to inject myself now. Miranda's eyes crease slightly as she takes the few steps more into my personal space and I can barely concentrate on her as it takes all of my concentration to open the side pocket, then I feel her hand on my cheek as it sends bolts of lightning through me, her eyes dart from eye to eye,

"Shepard? Are you having another headache?" she asks softly and I manage to nod without letting my eyes roll into my head, god, shit the pain is so bad now. I wish it would just stop, my head feels like it is about to concave, she removes her hand from my cheek and goes straight to my thigh pocket, my thigh tingles and sends shooting sensations straight to my core as her fingers brush over it and knock my other hand away as I can feel her hand dipping into my pocket, skimming over the thin carbon fibre that separates her fingers from my bare thigh, I tense up as I feel her fingers slide trough my pocket and the slowly grab the jabs. God why is she taking so long? She grabs one and pulls it out and I manage to look at her before my eyes roll and she pulls the cap off, and I feel her expertly insert the needle into my vein and empty the contents , I sigh as it pumps around my body and the pain begins to lessen, I open my eyes and she is centimetres away from me, I cannot help but let my gaze dart downwards slightly to see her moist, plump lips mere inches away from mine as they are slightly parted, hell I can feel her breath on my lips, God. I can feel her burning touch of where her hand is on my neck and the other is still resting on my thigh. Lust drips through me and my stomach begins to coil, fucking hell, I really want her right now, I want to kiss her and- wait, no! I am not going down this road, I have said it once and I will say it again.

_But what is really stopping you?_

_I just cannot risk losing someone again, not like Ashley._

Miranda's POV

Oh god.

I shouldn't be stood like this, being so close to her, I can practically smell her natural scent of summer fruits and it takes all of my willpower not to lean in close and kiss her, her eyes flicker open and they begin to lighten as she blinks rapidly, her eyes dart down to my lips and I can feel a blush working its way to my cheeks. But I cannot move away from her, my hands are so tempted to move from their current positions and it takes a lot of willpower to stop them from moving, but I want to remove them but I can't, her eyes burn into mine as the slowly darken to burnt hazel and we just stand there.

_Just kiss her, just do it, be spontaneous_

_I can't she is the Commander!_

_If you really and truly cared about that you would have already removed your hands_

Shepard clears her throat and a blush coats her cheeks and my gut twists in anticipation

"Thank you Miranda, for everything today" she say in a hard tone and her eyes grow hard and she pushes off the wall and past me, I have never felt more let down, I thought that there was something there, anything. There has to be! She wouldn't have stood there for so long if there wasn't at least the smallest chance, would she? I turn to watch her leave as she storms out and all I do is watch her retreating form, I knew that it was wrong of me to assume, and I cannot believe I allowed myself to fall like that, she is still… Traumatised, and I will never replace Ashley in her heart, hell after every step she took.

I knew that I wouldn't ever be as good as Ashley.

**A/N: So there we have it! Poor Miri, left in the cold again! So thanks for reading and pretty please review! - Bexaday**


	7. The Third Step Is Understanding

**Chapter 7**

**The Third Step Is Understanding…**

**A/N: Here is another chapter, not really much to say but I was playing Mass Effect 2 earlier and an idea has popped into my head! So here we go!  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect**

Shepard's POV

God, I shouldn't have just left Miranda like that, but then again I had no other choice! I cannot lose someone again! My heart twinges slightly as I think of Ashley, she was everything to me and I do not even want to remember the pain that I still feel from her loss. I had no choice then and I certainly would have no choice, she is Cerberus and even worse is the fact that she is the Illusive Man's right hand! But she is the only one who can fully help me; I am incapable to do what I want and what I want to remember! I never wanted to be brought back to life! The galaxy would be so much better off without me!

_You know that's not true_

_Fine but I believe that they would be better off without me!_

_No the galaxy would have crumbled already_ _without your help._

Agitation builds in my gut as I storm into the elevator, I hate feeling guilty and I know I shouldn't have just left like that, but I cannot allow myself to get attach ever again. I place my head in my hands as I lean against the wall inside the elevator as helplessness builds within me

"God, why can I not do anything for myself?!" I yell as I begin to pace the elevator. Jeesh why are the elevators so fucking slow?! I let out an irritated sigh as still pace around the elevator, I should be able to help my friends without this uncontrollable need to kill them and I certainly shouldn't need anybody's help to stop me from doing so! The doors pings as they open and I storm out and into the medbay, ignoring all others in the canteen, the doors open and Chakwas turns to face me, her blue eyes wide with surprise as my chest heaves as the anger inflates around me, if anything Chakwas should know what's wrong with me, right?

"Amiee? What wrong? What has happened?" Chakwas says as I walk over to a bed and I sit down and I place my head in my hands

"God, it was awful Karin, I have never felt so helpless before" I said in a small voice and she came over and I could see one of her blue eyes gazing at me softly with that motherly concern, that look never failed to make my heart wrench she was the closer thing I had to a mother, well considering I wouldn't let her that close, because I never let anyone that close; and then with Miranda… I do not want to feel this way but I just cannot help it. My fingers tightened around my head

"You have never been helpless Aimee, otherwise we would have given up a long time ago" she says as her fingers go under my chin and she gently lifts it so her eyes are gazing into mine, I take a deep breath and I swallow as the tears clog my throat as I push them down.

"You are not helpless" Chakwas says and I nod as my heart swells and she stands and sits next to me,

"Now are you going to tell me what has happened?" she says softly and I nod as open my mouth before closing it again, how do you explain something like that? I almost shot Tali and I have no idea why it happened?! My hands clench even tighter until it is almost painful, but it does nothing to end the ache of confusion in my head

"When we got on the Colony, we encountered little to no trouble until," I say as I try to stop my voice from trembling, but Chakwas sits there patiently as always and I carry on "until we came in contact with some Quarians and one of them was Tali" I say in a whisper and Chakwas' hand goes over my hunched shoulders

"Oh Aimee, I am sorry" She doesn't even know the full story yet

"That's not the worst of it, it was when she came to the front and I saw her… and, and I couldn't stop myself, I wasn't in control of my own body, or that's what it felt like. I couldn't even stop myself from almost… from almost," My throat clogs up and the tears pour out of my eyes and I pull my hands away from my face and I tear my gaze up to hers "I almost killed Tali, I almost shot her and I had no control of myself, it was like a bad dream. I had no control, I felt so helpless, so useless, no matter how hard I tried to stop myself I just couldn't" I let out a bitter laugh "what is the point of being the almighty Commander when I cannot even control my own actions?" I say and Chakwas just rubs my back and she pulls me so that I am leaning on her

"It wasn't your fault Aimee, you had no control" she coos into my ear and then the sadness is replaced but the tight, burning sensation in my gut as I can still see Tali's upheld hands in surrender and how Miranda had to stop me

"And then, Miranda had to stop me, Miranda! I shouldn't need to stopped, hell! I shouldn't be doing that anyway, and I have no idea how to feel about her! I want to let her in but I just… can't, I cannot let anyone that close again, I won't lose them not like I did with Ashley" I say as my yell gets lower and lower into a tired whisper and I slump over Chakwas desk as I take off my gauntlet and I rub my hand over my face,

"I am just so tired and confused, I have no idea how to act and think anymore, I am just not the same person, how could I be?! I cannot remember a thing about myself" I mutter and Chakwas, remains silent and I cannot help but carry on and rant as it boils up within me

"Just how am I supposed to feel? About Cerberus!? About Miranda?! Because it is driving me insane! I want to let myself love her but I am so afraid of what might happen in the future and Cerberus, well, I know it wasn't Miranda who did this to me, but someone did! I will find them and I will make them suffer as much as I have!" I shout and Chakwas stutters

"Aimee you should-"she begins

"Tell me how I am supposed to feel and act, just please" I whimper and I turn round to face her and Miranda is just stood there. Oh. Shit. Miranda's eyes are wide and they are piercing mine, I can feel the blush appearing on my face and I look down at the ground. How long has she been stood there? God, please tell me she didn't hear what I said

_From her reaction I would say she did_

"I think a brain scan would be best Aimee, then we can see what is happening inside your head, maybe it will give us some answers" Chakwas says and I nod, I don't think I can trust my own mouth right now, not after that, I look up at Miranda and she is still staring at me, I am about to look away when I see a blush working up on her face, I cannot help but watch as her cheeks go from white to a rosy red, and she shifts her weight from one foot to the other and I cannot help but take in everything about her, I mean how could I not? The suit clings to her voluptuous frame and my gaze drops to her long legs and goes up to her curvaceous hips then to her toned stomach, up to her large breasts and then finally her perfectly sculpted face which has the most brilliant blue eyes, safe to say my gut is rolling and tightening the more I look at her in that way. I know I shouldn't be but I just cannot help it, no matter how much I don't want to I cannot peel my eyes off her.

"Okay Doc, if you think that would be the best to see what is going on inside my head" I say and I begin to take my armour off piece by piece, and yet Miranda still hasn't said anything, I wish she would say something. In fact she is still starting at me,

"Miranda… I…" I start and her eyes lock onto mine and I try to plead through my eyes for her to say anything and she opens her mouth and frowns and restarts

"Shepard, I…I think it would be wise to come and see me after you are done here" I nod and she practically runs out of the medbay. As the door closes I groan, god the Doc couldn't have tried to tell me?

"That could have gone better" I mutter as I take off the last parts of my armour before lying down as she wheels me towards the brain scanner

"I did try and tell you Aimee" she says in a scolding tone and I frown

"Well obviously you didn't try hard enough then" I say as I cross my arms and she raises her eyebrows at me and I let out a huff, god, how come everything I say always explodes in my face?

"Well, I will tell you this, when you were taking your armour off she couldn't keep her eyes off you, especially when you were ranting" Chakwas says and I look at her as disbelief settles in, no, Miranda wouldn't, she isn't into women, well not that I am aware of and she has certainly never shown me any interest.

_Oh she has_

_When? Because I cannot remember_

_Well, just think about all the times she has shown that soft side, the one that really cares. Have you ever seen her use that with anyone BUT you?_

Before I have time to respond to Chakwas I am blinded by the bright lights of the scanner and I squint my eyes up as I the light comes closer to my face.

Miranda POV's

I don't believe I have just heard that.

Shepard cannot have said it, or maybe I was hearing wrong but, she said she wants to love me? My gut grows tight and a warm feeling goes through me. I didn't think she would ever feel that way about me, or maybe I have misinterpreted what she has said? I shake my head as I walk into my office and I sit down on my bed. The blush is still in full effect on my cheeks as I look out of the window into space.

Maybe I am just deluded, but I am hardly ever wrong but this is a completely new thing for me, I have never felt this way about anyone before, sure I have always had others wanting me but I have never wanted to be with anyone. Not until I met Shepard. I cannot help but smile as I think of her, god, when she started taking off her armour I thought I wasn't going to be able to take my eyes off her, my breathing gets heavier as I can just picture her toned body under my hands and I watched her muscles lightly flex as she took off her armour, lust drips into my core. I can see her dark brown hair frame her gorgeous face, the beautiful golden brown colour of her skin and the sharp hazel hues which take form in her eyes, her beautiful bone structure and petite form framed by toned muscles; I let out a sigh as I try to shake of the lusty feeling.

God, I cannot wait until she meets me in here, I want her so bad, but can wanting something so much be wrong?

**A/N: Sorry that this is a really early chapter update (if you live in England anyway) but like normal, thank for reading so please read and review! - Bexaday**


	8. The Reason Why I Care

**Chapter 8**

**The Reason Why I Care**

**A/N: So guys I am back and I have to apologize for the wait, exams and whatnot have been getting in the way but now I am going to write so more but I will try and update frequently so thanks for being patient and also thanks to all those who have favourited or followed this story, especially if you have reviewed.**

Shepard's POV

I said that I would go and see Miranda, but what could she possibly have to say to me? I mean she has heard everything I have to say, well the good things that is. Not to mention the embarrassing things, I blush, oh god. I have never been so embarrassed.

"What is getting you so emotional down there?" Chakwas says as she takes the final brain scans, damn it! I should have known Chakwas would be able to see it! I blush even harder no matter how much I try to stop it, I open and close my mouth like a fish, hoping for the words to spring out of my mouth but they don't I frown and I force myself to say something

"Miranda" Is all I manage to say as the embarrassment chokes me, I hear her sigh as the top slides off and back into the wall and I sit up, my eyes take a few moments to readjust to the lighting but once they do my eyes focus on Chakwas and her eyes are focused on the pictures in front of her.

"Aimee, as your friend I am telling you, just tell her what you told me, she acts all cold and icy but really, she does care about you" Chakwas says as she begins to take notes, I sigh and I fold my arms. I don't believe; I have no reason to believe her, what proof is there?

_There is if you actually tried looking for it idiot_

_Shut up! She is the icy bitch Miranda Lawson, why would even show any interest in me?_

_Did it ever cross your mind that she actually cares?_

_Did you ever think she could only care because of what has happened to me? Could it be pity?_

_It can't be. She isn't the type to string people along _

_Because you are such a good judge of character_

_I am you._

I roll my eyes, sometimes I wonder if I could even get along with myself

"I don't have a reason to believe you" I say quietly and I hear the sliding of her chair as she stands up and before I know it she is in front of me, I lean back slightly to look at her only to be met with hard brown orbs. Oh no,

"Aimee, what can you not understand? She cares about you, a lot. Obviously more than you can see Aimee, there is no way you haven't seen it. You are clever and observant, even if you aren't back to your normal self, due whatever has happened with Cerberus" she says and her hands stay firmly on her hips and I look at my feet. Sometimes I do see this side of Miranda she is talking about, in the corner of my eye and always when I am least expecting it and…it is a refreshing change from everyone else aboard the Normandy, she knows everything about me, well she thinks she does, apparently I am not me but I am. I sigh, things used to be so simple aboard the original Normandy, everyone knew there place and we knew that we were all true blues, but here everything is a mix up of ex Alliance and Cerberus and there are no real rules anymore, no clear red tape.

I want to allow myself to really care about Miranda, but I cannot lose her like Ashley, it was too painful, too raw and even thought I cannot remember it properly, I know that I had to shut off any romantic emotions towards anyone. I couldn't risk it, not again. This is what Chakwas doesn't seem to understand. I rub my shoulder as Chakwas is beginning to make me feel slightly uncomfortable and I shuffle back slightly to put more distance between us.

"But… Karin, I cannot lose someone I care about again" I say softly and she says nothing, I keep look at my feet which are hanging over the edge of the bed I am currently sat on. Then I feel three fingers pressing my chin upwards and my eyes meet hers and hers are soft

"I can only imagine how painful that must have been for you Aimee, but if everyone thought like that, nothing would ever happen" she says and I nod and the pressure of her fingers under my chin disappears, and she sits next to me

"Look, when you first experienced the full effects of the pain and you passed out, you have a seizure," Chakwas pauses and I nod, it would only make sense, I don't remember much and so I cannot be all that shocked "I rushed to reach you but Miranda was there before me, she was going frantic with worry, she was blaming herself as she paced around spouting out all kinds of the things. She became uncertain of herself. She was so worried, because she cares and you are so strong that I wouldn't have been able to save you without her, she really cares Aimee. And it is about time you did something" Chakwas says and I let it filter in.

Miranda saved me, and she didn't tell me? I frown, why wouldn't she tell me? I am glad she saved me and I want to thank her, but knowing that without her I wouldn't have survived the seizure, hell I wouldn't have even be alive without her. Just like I said, she manages to amaze me all the time. I stand up and stretch

"Well I guess there is only one thing to do Chakwas" I say as I try to take the newly formed wrinkles in my uniform. I turn to face her and she smiles before rolling her eyes

"About time too, your whining was starting to annoy me" Chakwas mutters and I look at her grinning face and I feign hurt

"How could you say that? I am always bringing you stuff to do" I say as she goes back to the scans

"By "stuff" do you mean your own beaten up body so that I can salvage what's left of you, thanks for such a thoughtful gift" She says with a tone laced heavy with sarcasm and I let out a short laugh, but it was a real laugh, something that I hadn't done since I had woken up. I began to walk out and with each step I got more and more nervous

"I know you love it really old timer" I said and she lets loose a tirade of chuckles

"Old timer? My girl I could beat you at your own game any day" I smirked and I turned slightly when walking to look at her and I leered

"I will hold you to that!" I shouted and I left the medbay, then I turned towards Miranda's door and my gut twisted into a series of coils, what was going to happen in there was going to change everything forever.

For better or for worse, I took a deep breath and I pushed my shoulders back and made my way towards her door.

Miranda's POV

What is taking her so long with Chakwas? I need to speak with her! I could feel the impatience circulating around my body alongside the growing agitation. I reread the line I had just missed, and it was about the twentieth time I had read that line. I repositioned myself on my desk, to see if that would ease my growing annoyance, but to no avail, it didn't ease anything. I run my hand through my inky locks as my eyes dart up to the door again, before flickering over to my computer. I could always tap into the cameras and find her… No! That's wrong; she will turn up when she is ready. I reread the same line again, oh what is the point of reading this book? I sigh as I throw the book onto the desk and I lean back slightly and I glare at the door. Just wishing she would walk through already.

"EDI, could you inform me where the Commander is?" I say barely managing to keep the annoyance out of my voice, I just have to know, my gut begins to twist as I think of what I am going to say once she gets in here

"The Commander is currently stood outside the medbay" EDI says and I huff as I open up my computer as I try to lock down any emotions I may be feeling but my mind is whirring so fast. I heard what Shepard thinks about me, she cares for me, a lot it seems from her little speech. I smile at that memory and I try to get lost in my emails.

I send a few emails and I look at my desktop and it tells me it has been two minutes since EDI told me where she is. I tap my fingers on the edge of my desk and then the door slides open to reveal a very nervous looking Commander, I sigh as her nervousness lessens mine. Her Hazel eyes are calm and she is playing with fingernails as she sits down in the chair in front of me, yet not looking at me and focusing on her nails, this would have been considered rude if I didn't know how nervous she actually was. I keep looking at her as her skin time becomes lighter from the small amount of light the port hole is admitting in. God, she is stunning. My breath hitches and she raises her head to look into my eyes and her eyes began to smoulder slightly and I can feel the blush creeping onto my cheeks, damn it! I have been caught staring yet again.

"So, Miranda, you the one who wanted to talk" Shepard says casually before letting a small smile catch on her lips,

"Yes, well, Shepard, I feel as if we needed to talk" I say, I want to keep this professional… oh what the hell, I am lying I don't want to have a professional convocation with her, I just want to get to know her, and not learn everything from a file.

"Well we are talking Miranda" she says with a smirk and I cannot help but smile back, but I cannot stop the eye roll at her childishness

"Such an ass" I say under my breath

"What was that?" she says and I look away even though I can hear the smile in her voice

"I called you an ass Shepard" I deadpan and I look into her eyes from over the desk and I try not to drown in their depths, oh no, I can feel myself staring. I cough and I look away and I fight the blush before turning back to face her

"But that's not why I asked to talk with you" I say and my tongue seems to grow heavy making it harder to speak and I stand up and indicate into the other room and she nods, she goes in before me and I can smell her, I try not to let out a moan as her scent fills me. I follow her and I force my eyes not to drop below her shoulders. My god, what has gotten into me, why does she make my hormones go into overdrive? I shake my head as she takes the seat looking out into space. I play with my fingers as I figure out how or what to say, my gut is so tight I think I might be sick and my tongue is heavy and making it difficult to talk.

"Why do you care so much about me Miranda? Because frankly, I am confused" Shepard says and my eyes go wide as they meet hers. Is she seriously asking me that?! How am I supposed to answer that?!

"Shepard… I… it is hard to explain" I plead and she rolls her eyes

"Why does everything have to be so complicated with you?" Shepard says but her tone is soft and thoughtful, I frown, how am I supposed to take that? Was it an insult or compliment?

"Well it has to be because Cerberus-"she stands up so quickly I can barely register it

"It is always Cerberus this, Cerberus that with you! If it isn't Cerberus then it is the Fucking Illusive Man! But I am not asking about them! I am asking about YOU Miranda!" Shepard yells in sudden fury and her hands go into her hair and pulls into a fist and she looks away from me for a moment before meeting my eyes again and her eyes are so broken and vulnerable that it breaks my icy shell and I just want to hug her and protect her from whatever is causing her this pain

"Just tell me Miranda, because I cannot let myself go through that again" I can feel my features relaxing and I take a step towards her and I try to summarize how I feel, who knew that it was going to be this hard. I frown as I try to put it into words and my eyes meet hers and my pulse begins to beat frantically. And I open and close my mouth

"What do you mean again?" I say and she takes a slight step away from me and I look at her to see tears in her eyes and she somehow manages to hold herself together

"I loved Ashley… and I gave her up just to save the universe, I…she was taken from me when I needed her the most, and I cannot risk losing anyone else not like that" she whispers and her arms wrap around herself as if to hold herself together and I cannot help myself but pull her into my arms. Despite all the warning bells going off in my head, I just had to do it, something in her just invokes a physical side of me and she needs this. I can smell her scent again and I try not to make it obvious as I breathe in her addictive scent as I hold her, I feel her stiffen in my arms before melting completely into my body

"Oh Shepard" I say as she sobs into my arms, before tensing up and pushing away from me, and she wipes her eyes as I try to mask the hurt that small action caused me as I put on my mask once again and her eyes meet mine and they are more stable and steely

"Now you know why I have to know why" Shepard says on a steady voice and my pulse is hammering more and my gut is twisting into so many knots

"I am never going to leave you behind and you aren't going to lose me" I say and her eyes lose their cautious edge and they grow soft as she pulls me towards her and her lips crash into mine, my god she tastes better than she smells, I moan into the kiss as she pulls away only to bring her lips back to mine once more and I am lost in her scent and the feel of her hands trailing fire over my waist and down my hips as the burning sensation causes lust to build inside of me. I close my eyes and my hands move to cup her face as her lips meet mine again almost as if demanding them to meet and there is fucking way I am going to deny what I want, then she pulls away enough so that I can see her face and I slowly run my fingertips over her soft cheek and she smiles, not a fake smile, but a real smile

"I have wanted to do that for so long"

**A/N: Finally they have kinda got together, only time will tell if this was a good decision and a good chapter so please review? And thank you for reading! - B**


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